As public life reopens (semi… safely) and the siren song of an almost-normal summertime throbs in our ears, I urge you to stick your head out of the nearest window and take in a deep whiff of crisp spring air. What do you smell? That’s right: Chaos. And what’s the perfect beverage pairing for quasi-safe, quasi-legal, deeply hedonistic, “Oh sh*t, what happened to my teeth” fun? Why, a nectar so powerful the government had to ban it: the original formula Four Loko. Advertisem*nt Advertisem*nt
Faux Loko #1: Lime-A-rita Tallboy + 5 Hour Energy
I went into Faux Loko number one bright-eyed and well-rested, with a sense of optimism about the entire experience. No, I hadn’t consumed a 5 Hour Energy since my time as a college student desperate to finish a week of reading in a two-hour span. Yes, I’d developed a distinct aversion to Lime-A-Ritas since a very fateful St. Patrick’s Day weekend. But what, I thought, was the worst that could happen?Unfortunately, my hubris bit me in the ass almost at sip one. The 5 Hour energy (citrus, as if that would make a difference) rendered the ‘Rita both sweeter and stickier than usual. It became immediately clear that this was Too Much Energy to experience in the evening. I had made two fateful mistakes: Cracking open my hideous concoction at the end of the workday (approximately 5:37 in the afternoon) and doing so after consuming a large iced coffee mere hours before.Per my notes: “Oh my god!!! I can’t tell if this is psychological or placebo or whatever but I definitely [have] a slight tremor in my hands.” My typing grew frantic, animated by that surge-of-stimulation feeling I can only describe as “hacking the mainframe.” Halfway through the can, I became slightly concerned about my pulse. It was a Monday. Advertisem*nt
Faux Loko #2: Bang Energy + Smirnoff Ice
This one sucked. Per my notes, I “hated this and it pissed me off” because “I think I’m allergic to Bang Energy or there’s just something about it that is fundamentally incompatible with my DNA.” I combined one murky bottle of Original Flavor Smirnoff Ice (I’ve got five left if anyone wants one!) with about half of a can of “Star Blast” flavored Bang Energy, boosted by whatever “super creatine” is.My chief complaint was that Smirnoff Ice’s 5 percent ABV, plus its relatively small volume, was not enough to get me drunk whatsoever—nowhere close to the 12 ABV that made the OG Loko special. It probably didn’t help that I was still sleepy, cranky, and nervous—I’d foregone coffee to make sure this Faux Loko couldn’t snatch away my REM cycle for the second night in a row. Advertisem*nt
Faux Loko #3: Red Bull + Vodka + Welch’s fruit punch soda
In the middle of my experiment, I got my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, which was a twofold blessing: One, I’m on my way to protection from the virus that shut down the world for the past year and change. Two, I got to take a break from the Faux Lokos.On Saturday evening, when any symptoms were fully dissipated, I resumed my task. This Faux Loko was special because I consumed it before one of my first actual social events of the season: a friend’s birthday dinner. Finally, a social outlet for this social experimentation! True to the spirit of the Loko, I chugged this drink while hastily getting ready for an event I was already late to. The lightly carbonated fruit punch soda turned the whole drink, which also contained three shots of vodka and a Red Bull Sugarfree, a vivid, Kool-Aid red. The coloring added a playful element of danger because I was wearing white jeans. Advertisem*nt
Faux Loko #4: White Claw + Pre-workout
Another Tuesday, another Faux Loko. This time, however, I was working with more constraints than ever before, thanks to a 4:30pm dentist appointment. At 2pm, I mixed peach lemonade-flavored pre-workout powder, handed off to me in a not-at-all suspicious baggy by our resident Swole Woman, with a mango White Claw tallboy for immediate, overwhelming Flintstones vitamin vibes.Actually, immediate isn’t quite the right word—because when I was initially sipping this Faux Loko, thinking to myself how much the pre-workout didn’t affect the White Claw flavor, I made a chilling discovery: the powder had congealed at the top of the can, and I had to stick a spoon in to mix it myself.The resulting flavor gelled most with how I remember the original Four Loko tasted: like if fruit was made out of edible metal. This Faux Loko also replicated the feeling I was chasing best. Maybe it was just the fact that I was buzzed in the middle of the workday (I can see why everyone working in the Mad Men-era was so into the “business lunch”), but this combination left me feeling flirty and floaty and pepped me up enough to be actively excited about getting my teeth cleaned. I’d definitely try it again with the White Claw Surge I talked smack about above—if I was getting paid to do so.Ultimately, this Faux Loko gave me the kind of blind confidence that a chaotic mixed drink should. As I walked towards my dentist office, I spotted a taco shop with to-go margaritas and nodded smugly to myself—I knew what I’d be up to after I left Dr. Quartey’s chair. But in case anyone needed more proof that the quest for the original Four Loko is the quest for a fleeting, bygone era, by the time I exited my dentist appointment, the impulse had passed. I simply got back on the train, Slacked my team to see if I could wrap up any stories on the commute, and headed home.4 out of 4 Lokos.Follow Katie Way on Twitter.